If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
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If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Sell your car
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS