@iamspacegirl

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

You Might Also Like

@SortaBad

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

@Ameiam

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

@JennyPentland

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

@jonnysun

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

@Marlebean

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

@MissBee73

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

@juliacomedy

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

@JennSlowpez

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.