If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
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“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
mood
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO