if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
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Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I didn’t realize that was an option
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.