@RxitWounds Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
@SCbchbum If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
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@RxitWounds 
@longwall26 The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
@dumbbeezie (at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
@mom_tho no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
@TomSchally 200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
@FunInternetGuy i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
@Coepacetic At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
@dave_cactus Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
@yenniwhite 50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
@daemonic3 THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog