@SCbchbum

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

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@RxitWounds

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

@longwall26

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

@dumbbeezie

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

@mom_tho

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

@FunInternetGuy

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

@Coepacetic

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

@yenniwhite

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

@daemonic3

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog