If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS