If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
#TopTip
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
congratulations to them
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?