If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
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Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Wedding planning is organized crime.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.