@zacharyflynn

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

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@clindsaysway

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

@Quartzjixler

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

@hiimmatts

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

@leftarmisme

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

@DanHirsch

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

@tweetarded1

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

@mjkspeaks

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

@Dawn_M_

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

@McFluffy537

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.