If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
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Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure