If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

You Might Also Like


Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.


Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.


VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?


*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.


Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years


My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.


[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.


It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.


I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.