If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

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The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.


Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.


Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.


Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.


The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.


Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid


Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.


ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting


Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.