Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
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Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Body by Oreos
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.