If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
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I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.