If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
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Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.