if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
You Might Also Like
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.