Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.