If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
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The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
This is so me 😂😂
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.