If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.