@Pork_Chop_Hair

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

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@BuddWest

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

@Lipgloss_Nerd

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

@noog

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

@trevso_electric

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

@Lottie_Poppie

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

@ApocalypticLoFi

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

@WilliamAder

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.