If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
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remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy