If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
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My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
sleeping beauty
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life