If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
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I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
who wore it better?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”