If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
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I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.