If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
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What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.