If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
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PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes