If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
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I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats