If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
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Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*