If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.