@CVTBaby

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

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@Dawn_M_

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

@Cheeseboy22

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

@serialmatrix

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

@Brampersandon_

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

@louisvirtel

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

@smallfatmonkey

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

@KateWouldHaveIt

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

@Al_Ewing

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

@1AIMMadellynne

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!