If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
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[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife