@UNDEADTRESOR

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

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@rickygervais

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

@tucker_doherty

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

@liljonlovitz

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

@girlwithatail

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

@blade_funner

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

@DothTheDoth

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

@SirEviscerate

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

@david8hughes

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers