Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
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Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers