If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
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Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.