If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.