If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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i love meeting boys on tinder
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
A family that plays together cheats.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
there’s probably a fee though
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.