If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Easy enough.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*