If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
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*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
This is me
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me