If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
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The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
monday
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor