If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
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I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.