If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
You Might Also Like
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.