If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
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When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Don’t forget to tip your server
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island