Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
They’re on their honeymoon
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁