If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

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Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.


When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.


LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.



[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.


CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.


Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.


*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*


If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad


My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁