If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
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The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Cake!!
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Breaking news:
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020