If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
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The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you