If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

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I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.


You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.


Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.


[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this


Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.


If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.


Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables


My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.


Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime


My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.