If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.