@kimtopher22
@wildethingy I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
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@wildethingy 
@rickolantern You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
@JakeSocial Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
@InternetHippo [Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
@TheAlexNevil Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
@houffy Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
@Parkerlawyer My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
@filthspiration Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
@LaurelPlane My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.