@Xalqee

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

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@Dustinkcouch

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

@fro_vo

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

@dlicj

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

@UnFitz

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

@80sjams

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

@Breadery

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

@GrantTanaka

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

@capnwatsisname

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

@Rollinintheseat

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

@Nickadoo

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.