If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

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I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.


“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.


*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*


Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*


If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.


Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.


Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.


C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings


wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what