If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

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santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how


911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now


Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people


Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably


I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.


Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.


me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT


Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.


I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?


Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.