If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
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Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Become ungovernable.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*