@seanforhire

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

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@RodLacroix

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

@squirrel74wkgn

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

@Playing_Dad

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

@UnFitz

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

@FilmsWeWant

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

@lemonmartinis

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

@Home_Halfway

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

@david8hughes

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

@NicCageMatch

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.