if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

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Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.


*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*


*slams brakes*

Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture


[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit


Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.


A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.


Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard


{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*


[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”


Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.