if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
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[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH