if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
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god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
marvel comics have peaked
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.