If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-