if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
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When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.