If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
You Might Also Like
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.