If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
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How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.