If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

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– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton


When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.


I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.


I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything


In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.


Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU


Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist


Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?


When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.


Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.