@UNDEADTRESOR

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

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@OakHill_

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

@spittingllama_

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

@H0TMessBarbie

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

@N_Doemostmuted

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

@UberFacts

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

@kelkulus

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

@BonaFideIntent

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

@SCbchbum

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

@pinapl

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

@VerifiedDrunk

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.