@UNDEADTRESOR

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

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@Fuckinmorons

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

@

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

@Turn2Dude

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

@Juicedballs

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

@maughammom

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

@torrami

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

@BacklineNurse

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

@gavinprobably

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

@Marlebean

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.