If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
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7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My five year plan is a meteorite