If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
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Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.