If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
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*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
i was baptized in a car wash
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Mistakes were made
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”