if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter