If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
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I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I’M CRYINGGG
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.