If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
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The Birdles
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
11: Mom if you鈥檙e sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That鈥檚 right. Somebody else.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you鈥檙e going to jail
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I鈥檓 chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I鈥檓 at least doing something about it.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don鈥檛 use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant