If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
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Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.